PerfectDisaster*

Sudden realization

Fri, 17 May 2013 00:29:10 -0400

Love how talking to someone you pretty much only have a sexual relationship w/ turns into a somewhat serious conversation because something they said, jokingly, made you realize something about yourself that you didnt want to realize… And now I just want to make a conscious effort to not be that way because that’s not how I want to be perceived by anyone…
Also, 19 is young. I’ve come to this realization too. Too young for me, much too immature. And I let myself want him more than I should, like not wanting to date him, but wanting his body allllll the time. He’s too immature though and this HAS to stop, it isnt worth it and it’s getting so irritating and not fun anymore….but since JJ moved this kid (yea I call him a kid, he’s 19, 2 years younger than me…may as well be a lifetime) is the only one I’ve been sleeping with, he’s the only one I know & am comfortable w/ doing it w/ right now… But once again, he’s so young and his immaturity and drama is not worth it.
I wish JJ would move back already,though I realize he’s only moving home if he cant find a job down there… He said he’s giving it another month & if he still hasnt found one, he’s coming back… I told him in all honesty I hope he doesnt find one because I want him back here, I miss him so much. And pending his final decision and my roomies approvals, he’ll be staying w/ us… So lets keep fingers crossed?…

Letting the monsters out...

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:13:05 -0400

My body has not been feeling right lately, the last few weeks to be honest. I dont know what’s going on. I’ve been very dizzy and light headed, my body goes numb, especially my head and arms. I had a panic attack at work today, like a full fledged one :/ I wish I knew what my problem was. I had to sit in our back room for 30 minutes til I had calmed down enough to go back out front and help customers. It happened again less than an hour after the first one. I cant think of anything that would have triggered them either though. I’m just a mess…

I really do feel like a mess. I like a guy I shouldnt, purely because he’s a booty call and I let myself actually feel something for him. Stupid. I also cant get over my best friend, he said something earlier about how I used to like him and I just wanted to tell him that nothing had changed, I still have feelings for him, in fact, if anything, they’ve only developed more in the last few months. Every time I see him, I want to touch him (admittedly inappropriately most of the time haha), I want things I shouldn’t want with him, because I know they wont (cant?) happen. Maybe distancing myself would help? Maybe in both cases? Shit, if the past is any indication, distancing myself only makes it worse & I seem to think about the person even more…

I feel like I’m fighting my internal monsters a lot lately. Trying to keep everything in check, but they seem to be winning this battle. I feel like I’m walking on very thin ice, they’re just below the surface, waiting for me to slip. I’ve been missing the feel of a blade lately, it’s such an intense longing for it. The pain is orgasmic, I didn’t do it enough to break the skin this time, no blood, no cuts or new scars to try to explain away, just enough pressure to feel the pain. Oh god, it felt good. I can’t indulge too much, lest I slip back into old habits. They die hard…. It seems like the more I try to control myself, my emotions and what not, the less control I have. I feel like it’s been getting worse and I dont know what to do.

Decided to see him at 1:30 this morning, definitely worth the hour drive there. We talked and...

Thu, 09 May 2013 11:01:17 -0400

Decided to see him at 1:30 this morning, definitely worth the hour drive there. We talked and watched a movie & of course ended up doing the deed.. It was worth the year wait (yea it’s been at least a year since I had last seen him). The first time we did it was impersonal and kind of awkward, we didn’t look at each other; main goal was definitely for him to get his. It felt like there had been a shift, either in his head or mine or just in the dynamics of our twisted, mutually beneficial relationship; some line has been crossed where it’s more than fwb, there’s a level of actual caring for the other, but no where near real feelings. We’re friends, nothing more, but we’re no longer solely using each other for personal pleasure. So much I want to describe but I can’t without over sharing. Laid in bed with him talking & listening to the birds chirp, watching it get light outside til 6. He started falling asleep & would wake back up if I moved any since I was curled into him, he finally decided to get up saying, “We gotta get up, you feel so good that I keep falling asleep.” Pretty sure it was the cutest thing he’s ever said to me. It was also really weird to hear him say sweetie & babe when talking to me, soo weird, never happened before. Supposed to go down again later, have to call him so he’s awake he said lol… I never pictured him to be one I could snuggle with and talk to in the middle of the night til the sun came up. Needless to say, pretty wonderful night & glad I decided to go even though it was late.

Expect the unexpected

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 00:33:54 -0400

Apparently getting that off my chest was the right idea…Though his response was NOT what I expected. Hm..I dont even know what to say other than my shocked response of “really?” I feel better by telling him, but then finding out his response was kinda happy/heartbreaking, happy in an unexpected, awesome way, heartbreaking in the sense that it doesnt matter because he moved?…I guess that makes sense.
The problem with seeing an old flame when you break up w/ former bf is that feelings for old flame never completely died and they get poked & prodded and stir back to life and even though you think you can keep just a strictly sexual relationship, you know you’re not that type of person and you let yourself fall again and accept those old feelings. I cannot separate sex and feelings, I would be a horrible 1 night stand..take that back, if I didnt know the guy well I wouldnt be, however I know this guy pretty fucking well, been messing around/friends w/ him since I was 15… Thats why the feelings are there and come back…Maybe if our paths cross again it’ll work out.

Wish you were HERE

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 23:21:09 -0400

Heard from him today. He text me while I was driving home, cant tell you how much it made my day. Though he totally perved out and yea, it kinda was awesome lol, though at the same time it sucked because he’s hundreds of miles away and I cant see him when I want. I hadn’t heard from him in several days, figured it’d be one of those “yea we’ll keep in touch when I move” and then not keep in touch situations, but he kept his word. I miss him so much though. Wish he would come home. Wish I could say to him what I really want to.

losmadden: Spend it all on something special

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:57:37 -0400

losmadden:

Spend it all on something special

Quit wishing, You'll only be disappointed.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:08:46 -0400

I decided that even though he was moving yesterday that I was still going to text him and try to talk to him. Honestly, it helped. Talked to him like normal people for once, he actually opened up and told me his fears about moving and the unknown. I have faith in him, he’ll do just fine in Arizona; he has his family there to support and encourage him. Talked to him while he waited for his connecting flight out of Dallas, with a promise to text me once he landed in Arizona…Finally heard from him at 1:08 this morning saying that he had made it safely. Was able to go to sleep then without worrying about him. He thanked me for caring about him, which was odd. Though I guess when you’re just having sex with someone & not an actual relationship, you probably dont think that they actually give a fuck about your well being… Wont lie, was really weird not being able to text him after I got off last night and tell him I was coming over, it really sucked. I checked facebook a couple of times and saw his updates about leaving for the airport, I kind of lost control and teared up at work, and then again shed a few tears when I saw that he was in Dallas. I really will miss him and I hope he visits soon, which I doubt buuut I can hope.

Shouldn't be missing you...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:45:17 -0400

JJ is moving to Arizona tomorrow and I dont get to see him before he leaves. I am more upset about this than I should be. No more after work booty calls. No more random hangs or perverted texts from him trying to get me to come over. There’s nothing between us other than booty & friends, but I’m going to miss him like a motherfucker & impatiently await his visit back to Ks… I knew it was a possibility that he’d be moving, he told me a few weeks ago, but he didnt tell me he actually was until super late Friday night & since Jyss was staying the night I couldnt go see him. Regretting it now. Dunno when I’ll see him again, sucks…fuck. I shouldnt be so sad about this. *sigh* Oh well. Life goes on.

How the mighty fall in love....

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:57:07 -0400

I have no idea why I want you as badly as I do. I always have, you’re my best friend and I shouldnt, like at all… But for years you’re the one that I’ve wanted. Sure I’ll never get the chance, and maybe that’s why this shit has been bothering me so much lately. Being single is a bad idea for me, makes me think and feel things that I was able to avoid because I was w/ someone and knew I couldnt have that. Maybe I should cut you out of my life until I can get a grip on these feelings? And what you told me today doesnt help these feelings, it only makes me think them more, and makes me want to do dirty, dirty things to you. :/ Fucking hell. I’m a mess. I think I shouldnt talk to you for a while… God I hope that helps.

The Final Goodbye

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 00:19:19 -0400

The choice to leave wasnt one that I made lightly, I took into consideration that I would be hurting him, that financially it wasnt the best choice, but also that emotionally & physically it would be better for me. I cannot say that I dont miss him, because if I said that, I would be lying. Some days I feel like I’m dying, I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to talk to anyone; I just want to cry and scream & be held because the pain from missing him is too much to bare. It’s been a month, it seems like it’s flown by, I thought it would get easier, that I would miss him less and start to be “okay” with this new life that I’m building for myself. It hasnt gotten easier, if anything the pain is more intense, the depression is worse, more often than not I miss him more than words could explain. I guess this comes from being together since I was 16, for 5 years this relationship all but consumed my life, to end it the way I did, there is no closure, no mutual feelings that it was time to end it; only pain came from the end. I’ve tried emailing him, about the car mainly since he wants his name taken off the loan, but the responses have stopped, I havent heard from him in 2 weeks. I think being able to still talk to him, even though it was less than friendly words from the both of us, it helped me, because I hadnt completely lost him yet. It isnt healthy to hold on, psychologically it’s more harmful to hold on and drag the end out than it is to just sever communication completely… I know as more time goes on, I’ll be okay, the pain will subside & not everything will remind me of him, I’ll be able to move on & be happy.

Part of me wishes I could take it all back though. Was it all that bad? Could it have been fixed? I’ll never know because there is no turning back, there are no more do-overs. This was the final goodbye.

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 01:31:52 -0400

Dinosaurs!! <3

I dont know what’s going on, but I’m really happy…maybe it’s just the...

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 01:18:25 -0400

I dont know what’s going on, but I’m really happy…maybe it’s just the alcohol tonight? Or maybe I’m just happy for once. Whatever it is, I dont want it to go away.

Trying to remember how to breathe....

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 20:41:40 -0400

Cant help but feel like I made the wrong choice. I know things werent great, but I didnt have to do what I did, how I did it. I missed home, and my friends, but it’s not like I’m seeing those friends and I’m working a lot so I’m not really seeing my family…and this house is crowded, and loud. I tried to hang downstairs and talk and do my homework, but I reverted to how I did in high school, in my room, music on, blocking the world. I havent touched my homework, yet again…I’m going to flunk out. Why did I think I could do this? I was so optimistic, I think I mistook optimism for what it really was, manic depression…my really high high was feeling so good, but now I feel like my world has crashed around me again.

First one is June, second one is November…. There isnt a...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 13:04:49 -0500

First one is June, second one is November…. There isnt a major difference, at all…But like my mom said, heavier people wont see a difference until they lose a significant amount.

Diet

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 12:47:25 -0500

So, before we went on vacation last year I started trying to lose weight… I was able to lose 11 lbs in about 2 months. I’ve lost a total of 25 lbs, which is great but not enough, especially since it’s been 6 months at least. I started out at 300 lbs, I’m 270 now. Goal is 175, just to get back to where I was in high school, ultimate goal is 130-140. I’ve slowed down on the weight loss, I’ve reached a plateau. I cant seem to push past 270, I’ve been that for a month now. So discouraging. Then again, the last few months have been holidays and lots of food high in calories, so that doesnt help. I’m going to get on here and do some photo updates of my weight loss, and successes & failures.

Yesterday Sam & I walked around Metcalf South mall, which is pretty much abandoned, seriously I can count on 2 hands how many stores are still there. It’s a 3 story mall, and pretty freaking huge, but anyway, we walked all 3 floors for over an hour. Took the stairs instead of escalators, we got our exercise. It was nice. Felt good to get up and move for a while other than actual shopping. Even had a salad last night for dinner, and having one today for lunch. Has turkey, blue cheese crumbles and almond slivers in it, and today I’m trying it w/ olive oil as a dressing instead of actual salad dressing & w/ salt & pepper. It’s quite delicious. And anyone who knows me knows I love salad dressing, and lots of it. But this olive oil is amazing, it’s a nice, healthy, refreshing change.

So here’s a picture of where I started…I dont have a recent one on the computer, but I’ll get one, there’s not a dramatic change, Mom says that when people are very over weight, it takes more weight loss to notice any change.

So yup, that’s where I started around June of 2012. I have a long way to go.

I am sick of being the only responsible adult in this relationship. We’ve had our car...

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 15:34:40 -0400

I am sick of being the only responsible adult in this relationship. We’ve had our car repossessed, we had to pay $1300 to get it back; we’ve almost been evicted because my brother didnt have his part of rent, saved our asses even though I was 30 minutes late getting to the apartment complex; our electricity was almost shut off, had to borrow money to get that shit paid and off the disconnect list. I was late on my Hyundai payment for the first time in 3 years because of him; I’ve missed payments on Fingerhut because of him and my brother both, Josh has a horrible time giving me money for his part of bills; I’m even behind on the dog payment because I get told not to pay it because we dont have the money. Once again Sam is wanting to wait to pay the car payment, the one that got repossessed, because he wants to pay his cousin the full $100 we borrowed today when he gets paid, she can wait, she can have part of what we owe, I HAVE TO send the 2 car payments and pay my mom for the phone bill. I cant keep being late on stuff. It’s totally destroyed my credit. I’m at the point where I dont even want to be with him because this is ALWAYS happening. He is like his mom, hiding bills, not paying bills, thinking he can get away with it. It always catches up to him and to me because of him. His fucking collectors are calling me!! I’m just so done with this. Between this and the shit going on at school, I’m just done with everything, I cant deal w/ it all much longer.

Fuck these emotions

Tue, 29 May 2012 15:45:36 -0400

Today has honestly been the most emotional day since this all started last Friday… I catch myself missing him, just like last night when I went to bed, I was so sad that there was no one there to cuddle up to so I snuggled my body pillow instead… Pathetic much? Yea…. I feel depressed for the first time since he left, I guess it’s just now sinking in? And of course, I’m going to feel depressed when I was w/ him for 4 years…. It’s okay to be happy he’s gone but miss him & feel this way too. I did care for him and love him at one time. I know relationships end everyday and I’m not the only one feeling like this right now in the world… I cant say I’m brokenhearted because I’m not really, I’m just trying to pick up the pieces of what was my life for the last 4 years, it isnt always easy. Maybe I am a little brokenhearted, maybe a piece of me did think we could work it out at some point, but obviously that’ll never happen and besides if it did, I’d be in the same situation I was in before he left… I cant help but want to cry right now, I dont feel like I have the right to cry when I’m glad that he’s gone. I still feel pain, I still had a loss… But I feel like I shouldnt be feeling sad or anything since I wanted to be away from him…. I dont know what’s appropriate to feel during this. For the first time in 4 years, I’m alone. I have to rebuild myself and my life, alone…. I’m trying to be strong, and tell everyone that I’m okay, and for the most part that’s not a lie, but there’s time when I’m weak, like now, and I just want to cry & be held…. Its obviously stupid to be upset (according to alysha) that he’s back w/ his ex when I was w/ someone a few months ago… Why is it he can be upset that I was w/ someone but I cant be upset that he moved on before he even moved out? That pissed me off that she said that… This is why I dont tell anyone how I feel, because I’m not allowed to feel the way I do because of what I’ve done. Everyone makes mistakes and does shit they wish they could take back, that doesnt make them a bad person and that doesnt mean that they’re not allowed to be upset.

I hate feeling anything at all. Sometimes I wish I could just go back on my medication and not feel a damn thing. I just went through the motions most of the time when I was on those.. I felt so good by not feeling anything…. I just want to be that way for now…

Obviously there are some people that I cant talk to about how I feel because they just throw everything I’ve ever done in my life back in my face. Fuck her. I should just keep my feelings to myself.

Moving on

Sun, 27 May 2012 09:41:11 -0400

Sam is all moved out, I got some of my stuff back that he took but not everything I asked for. He said he was taking Sasha but she’s still here, content chewing on a bone. I’m not sad over the end of the relationship, I’m upset because he resorted to just bailing on us, no actual warning. I’m sad because it was 4 years of my life wasted on someone I didn’t really care for after the first year or so because of everything that had happened. I have to “relearn,” if you will, how to be single and okay with it. I think what bothered me more is that as soon as he broke up with me, he was talking to his ex. I’d think if you really cared for someone like he said he did, he’d mourn the end of us and take time to heal & move on. But I guess men are just looking for their next booty call. I, on the other hand, am staying single for as long as possible. I have my friends & family to help & make things easier emotionally. I guess that’s all you can ask for at a time like this.
So now I’m onto bigger & better things. Working, finishing cosmetology school & then going back to college for the fall semester. I know in time the wounds from the damage he did will heal, but for now a part of me does hurt, and that’s okay. I can still hurt and be okay with this relationship ending.

This is my escape

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 23:36:18 -0400

Tumblr is my way to vent, honestly. I dont have anyone I can text right now & share what I want to. I have people I could talk to, but I dont want to share it w/ them. … I’m pretty sure after being blown off today & not even a response to my texts, that this shit is done & not happening again. Dont fucking make plans w/ me & then when I say I’m coming over, not even respond. Shit, couldnt even respond to any of the texts I sent today, ridiculous. I know this was only one thing, mutually beneficial, but for real, if you asked me to come back and then I was going to & you ignored me, then it’s not gonna happen again. Plain & simple, shit pisses me off honestly. Whatever though.

Also missing the living shit out of another friend, who like the guy above, never responds to my texts or messages on Skype, even though he’s the one that told me I should download it so we could talk more. i miss the living shit out of him & being able to talk to him, always made me happy. Oh well though, it’s like I dont know how to communicate w/ people anymore or to keep their attention once I’ve made friends. I suck at life & relationships.

On another note, I am so grateful for my best friend. He’s honestly the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. So glad our paths crossed back in school. Him coming down every other weekend is like the one thing I always look forward to, keeps me sane. Finally got to spend some time w/ just us yesterday, instead of it being him, me & my bf. I miss times w/ just him & me. I really dont think he knows how much he means to me & how great he is to me. Best person ever other than my mom :)

Tomorrow will be super depressing though. My cousin had her baby March 9th, he was 1 lb 9 oz when born & 16 weeks premature, he was doing better & then caught pneumonia & passed away on March 18th. He fought for 9 long days, poor little guy. His funeral is tomorrow. My heart really aches for his mom & dad. I never know what to say to people who have lost a loved one, I’m awkward w/ that, saying “I’m so sorry for your loss,” never seems adequate.

I think it would be easy to fall for you, you make it entirely too easy for me. Just have to keep...

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 15:45:08 -0400

I think it would be easy to fall for you, you make it entirely too easy for me. Just have to keep telling myself that this is nothing more than a mutually beneficial relationship, nothing more. Besides, if you’ll cheat with me, you’d cheat on me. I’m not completely stupid.

*Perfect*Disaster*